I just finished watching a political documentary and I guess it was good enough to make me drag my computer over to the couch to do some writing. This post is general, hopefully brief.
I don’t know what exactly I want to talk about tonight but I’ll start with a quick update on my current events: I’m 23, just got engaged and yet I am struggling with anxiety and depression again. I drink nightly. It’s been off and even before I started this blog but now is a time that I feel more conflicted than ever before.
At first I thought the engagement would make me eternally happy. I had the best week of my life. After all, a man promised to take care of me for the rest of my life. He told me there was nothing to worry about. Yet, on day three of my new gardening job last week, I had an anxiety attack while driving in. I turned left away from the plaza to head home and ended up spending the whole day asleep on my couch instead of going to work.
I’ve had three jobs over the past month or two and none seem to work out.
I remember sitting in the garden the day before (it was a 10 hour work day with good pay) thinking I was ready to make a move to be a more successful individual. I convinced myself that I was going to be as rich as the owners of the luxurious house I was picking weeds for. So I just don’t show up to work the next day???
It has only been 10 minutes and I’m already fed up with this post. As I said I don’t have much to say. How could someone who claims to be so upset about life not have anything to say? At least anger fills you with something. But I sit here feeling nothing.
I am nothing these days. Friends are able to dig down deep and work their asses off, why can’t I? What’s so special about me? I heard a theory that parents who are too supportive are not good for emerging adults.
So I ask myself, what is something you feel passionate about? But I can’t figure out an answer.
Everything seems so overwhelming and scary. But at least today, I made an attempt to get back into writing. As I predicted, it was a terrible post saying nothing. But at least I did something today. And if I come back tomorrow, I hope I don’t delete this post. This shitty blog has always brought me surprising relief.
About 6 months ago I went through and deleted all of my “depression” posts. This blog originally started as therapy, then it felt like a network or others who felt lost and depressed were out there and I had a way of talking with them. As I struggle on, seemingly friendless, I want to see if I can rekindle the sense of community this blog once brought me.